My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
