o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
