Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
