god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Sext me about skeletons
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
