i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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