Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
