My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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