I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
even my farts smell like vagina
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Randomize
