I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Randomize
