I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
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