i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
sarcasm needs its own font
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Randomize
