If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
