Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I don't want my vagina anymore.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
