I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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