I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Randomize
