my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
