So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
