When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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