i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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