life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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