I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
