I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
