Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
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