Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Randomize
