I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
