I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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