We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Randomize
