If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
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