do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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