The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
