No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
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