My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Randomize
