yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
