I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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