Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
how drunk are you?
Several
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
