how can u be prego again
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Well I just put wine in my tea
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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