I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
