Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Randomize
