This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
