best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Randomize
