I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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