No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Randomize
