omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Randomize
