i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
My cat gives me a boner
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
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