my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?�
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