I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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