You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
