dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
You are a genius and a whore.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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