Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
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