You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
why do cheetos always look like penises
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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